PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
