ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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