just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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