my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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