dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
