My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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