im drinking this country out of the recession.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
