I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The power of my boobs compel you
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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