I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
