Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Text me some of your sweat
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
