I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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