I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.