im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.