Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
why is half of my head shaved?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
