I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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