if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
