hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
