Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
