Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
