I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
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What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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