...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
