btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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