Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
