i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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