The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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