so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
