I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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