christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
