a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
