if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
