you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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