They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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