The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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