this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
