wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
