20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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