Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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