Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
