Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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