I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
