Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
