i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
