Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
