I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
