so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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