FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
