are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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