you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
