I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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