Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
