At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
