There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
how can u be prego again
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
