can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
