I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
