So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
