: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want to have your abortion
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
