I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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