I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
