I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
