I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
