i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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