So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
