I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
